Prep the Field!

Season 6 Episode 17 - Push

I honestly keep having writer's block, so I'll just succinctly share my favorite moment.

Bailey's "surgical field"

And this message...

Hearts Don't Belong in the Vagina

Season 6 Episode 16 - Perfect Little Accident

The beginning of this episode tickles me.
First, there's Lexie working on her surprise sexy pose for Alex, which we all know we are guilty of doing before. It's just adorable.

Then, after Derek awkwardly walks in to full-frontal Lexity, we get this awesome metaphor.

This is important. More people should be aware.

Good times, good times.

What I'm Actually Doing aka Melodrama

I am terrible at follow-through.
It seems no matter what project I take on, it gets lost in a state of perpetual unfinished-ness.

There's been promises made in the past of certain content and segments, but they just aren't happening. Part of it is I've kind of lost my mojo in the fog of depression and physical pain. Part of it is being in a weird place in general with my life. I'm unemployed, and lack structure in my day, and things seem to constantly change around me. People are dying and being born, which is all very new and uncharted for me.

So, what I'm actually doing these days is just trying to get by. My health is not where it should be, with recent weight gain and new medications bogging me down. I'm an erratic, emotional mess. This is why there's been such a lull in posts. I just have nothing good to say, and no one wants to read a constant barrage of feelings.

On a sort of maybe positive note, I've got some unfinished posts for my frugal followers. Every once in a while I take a crack at those because they've become a sizeable undertaking, but beyond that subject I remain otherwise uninspired.
I'm trying, nice people, I'm trying.

There Is Always A Way

Season 6 Episode 7 - Give Peace a Chance

I love seeing Derek light up as soon as Isaac shows him the films of the spinal tumor. He looks inspired, almost aroused by the intricacy and complexity in its winding around the spine. It's intoxicating to think about.

I love the attitude and philosophies Isaac embodies to encourage him further. His quotes should be prints.
"Stop your mind before the no. You will find a way."
"Today, if you become frightened, instead become inspired."

Both of these men have characteristics I aim to have in myself.
Derek has found his calling, his obsession. He is neurosurgery. It is of him. There are other parts of him that make him Derek as a whole, but the core of his being is this. It's exciting.
Isaac has the best fortitude in the world. He is unstoppable by his own volition, convinced there is always a way; anything is possible.
Who wouldn't want to be like them?

When I was younger I was impassioned, obsessive. Anytime I came across something that interested me, it became my everything. Whether by depression or age, that spark has gone, and I have yet to discover something, anything, that would light that consuming flame again. I want a thing. My thing. I want whatever it is to be my world, tugging at my soul and drawing me to put insurmountable energies into it like I once did, like these fictional men do.

This Is Not Okay

Season 6 Episode 1 - Good Mourning

George is dead. That sucks.
Clara is alive. That sucks.

Clara (Ceviche) continues to struggle with her extensive injuries, finally losing her shit over the significance of moving a finger. She's young, and is faced with the idea of having to fight the rest of her life, maimed and maybe never really okay again. This, combined with the seemingly endless operations and the road to recovery ahead of her on the surface just seems to be her focusing on the negative, but if you give this situation a few seconds' thought it's a pretty understandable reaction.

Maybe I'm just empathizing with her from my much, much more limited perspective.
Should my leg never get repaired, I'll be living the rest of my (presumably long) life in pain, and pretty limited with future decisions for career and adventures. My body will no longer just belong to me - I'll have to share it with this pain.
Husband is in that boat with his lumbar fusion, and I have no idea how he isn't as depressed as Clara and I are. He's an optimist though, and has found ways to work around his limitations to do the things he loves over the years. Maybe we will too.

Season 6 Episode 2 - Goodbye

I am increasingly catching very pointed snippets in this show about mental health that make me pretty angry. This episode was the tipping point; when I realized there is definitely a consensus of opinion in Shondaland regarding this issue.

There's the repeated cliche, with doctors thinking they don't need mental help because they can fix anything - I'm looking at you, Mer. Anytime there's someone struggling, they just need to "power through," or they have a bad attitude, or they're weak. Hunt is the biggest offender there.

I pretty much had to get up and take a walk after the scene in which Hunt "gives up" on Clara and orders her to psych. Lexi's reaction just drives it home - "Commited?!"
So getting her psychiatric help for her very obvious depression is giving up?
WHAT?

Throughout the show, I have yet to see someone called in/to psych to help a patient unless it's already the stigmatized, full on crazy fits situation. Mental health isn't some scary mystery, Shonda, it's a medical issue. Choosing to neglect this aspect of care is part of the problem we're seeing in society today as we continually shove this issue under the mat. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD are afflictions many people struggle with, whether on a chronic or situational level.
Acting like seeking treatment or counseling to resolve these struggles is the same as telling someone with an infection to avoid taking antibiotics, because, you know, something must be wrong with you if you need medications to heal; just think positive and it will heal.
No, it won't. It will kill you because that's how infections work.

Fucking 26

I'm older again,
and sad again.

Grown Up Anna still doesn't want to be a grown up. I still don't really have anything to my name, and I've become kind of okay with that mostly. Husband and I have plans for the future, and that's enough for me right now.

Career Anna is still absent, with future prospects dwindling with each passing year. I've already lost a lot of the skill I had with dialysis, and I'm terrified of finding out how far I've fallen. I may never know, since we're still in the throes of battle with good ole lefty.
Should I just give up on this path? Is the universe giving me a hard redirect again?
I really wish there would just be a letter or something:
"Dear Anna,
Stop doing this shit over here. Start doing that shit over there. #destiny
Signed, The Universe and Fate"
But then I'd probably just fixate on the silliness of hashtagging a written letter.

Family Anna has pretty much kicked ass this last year, albeit with a few speedbumps.
I've been too excitable about my nephew coming into the world, and repeatedly stepped on my sister-in-law's proverbial toes. She's been miraculously patient enough not to hire a hitman yet, and for that I am grateful.
I managed to meet up with my big little sister in Pennsylvania and do some bonding and adventures, which yielded great results and a stronger relationship.
The extended family is even doing well, as I've rebuilt bridges with my grandparents on both sides, while exploring a friendship with Husband's aunt, the new matriarch of the family.

Wife Anna is just an asshole. I don't really need to elaborate on that, other than she needs to get her shit together.

Maternal Anna still doesn't want any fucking kids. Ever.
However I have discovered a newfound love for furbabies. I kind of want to adopt and rescue them all. All of them. And then we'll have a snuggle party which ends when I die from anaphylactic shock. Yeah.

Here's hoping 26 finally yields something great.

Christmas Encores

Upon returning from an eventful trip to Houma, we needed a little downtime before catching up with my family. The kids, however, were already a week and a half into Winter Break and suffering some cabin fever. I caved to their pleas and came over for a bit to see their new Kinect games.

Ghost was not amused.

And then, because I hadn't overexerted myself enough, my sister and I went on Target adventures the next day. We checked out their optical, where she convinced me to try on trendy ridiculous frames. All of those photos have conveniently vanished.
Then, as we awaited a prescription order, we hipstered up at Starbucks. She was pleased to discover the barista had put a generous amount of whipped cream on her latte.

Somewhere between the 26th and the 31st I managed to get a nap or something, despite my siblings' insistence in including me in their holiday fun, because I was on point for New Year's Eve.

#nomakeup #nofilter #imadorkiknow

We went to see Dad's family for late Christmas, which was unexpectedly pleasant. I say this not because of family, but because Husband and I both failed to mind the weather and make arrangements for Sam ahead of time. We ended up bringing him along at the last minute, expecting to say hi and need to leave since we hadn't warned anyone.
As is the usual with Sam though, he charmed the hell out of everyone and we had a nice evening.

If that wasn't enough, we followed that up by seeing the new year in at my parents' house and exchanging our belated gifts too.
I managed to finish Rachel's blanket on time. She and Mom opted to break it in immediately.

Even Ghost gave it a test ride and purrs of approval.

Lots of useful, clever, and sweet gifts were exchanged. We were so caught up in talking smack at Ryan Seacrest though that I have no good shots. Trust me when I say there will be photos of them in action!

Speaking of action, Dad and I made it our mission to make Mom look like a lush.

We ran out of glasses to toast with the sparkling cider, so Mom opted to hit the bottle.

It was a good day.

About a week and a few more silly nights with the kids later, it was time for Mom's family to finally get together.

With the way my year has been going, and especially the hide-in-the-bedness I was embodying for the season, I still had not wrapped their presents. Mind you, they had been in the fridge for weeks, since I had it all planned to be ready in time for Christmas in case we were home this year.

I still managed to put these together the morning of, and I think they came out awesome.

It's a holiday care package of wine, cheese, sausage, and chocolates. I know how to comfort.
Not only were we getting together for late Christmas, but we were going to have food! Yaaaaaaaaaas

Great Grandma takes her time eating. I think it may be calculated now because she knows my sister will hang out and spoil her with whatever she wants (read: not really allowed) to eat. It's nothing harmful, just a lot of adorable old lady toots, and my sister likes seeing her happy.

You know who wasn't happy? Sadie. No one gave her any people food. She had to have kibble, like some kind of animal. I'm not familiar with that face at all.

Look!

Look at all the gifts being exchanged!

I remembered to camera this time!

Grandpa was feeling generous and even gave me Husband back for the day, adorned in ribbons and all.

All kittens love boxes, all of them.

And gramma tickles.

This slowly quieted down to the ongoing tradition of spreading out on the floor and coloring, possibly one of my favorite family traditions.

At one point our baby cousin, whom Great Grandma absolutely loves, decided he was going to share all of his presents with her, which is how I got one of my favorite shots.

Lots of feels later, and we found ourselves at home, slow cooking a turkey and wanting company.
From October through January I cook a lot of "holiday" dinners because turkey and ham are so cheap, and Husband and I just really like things we can douse in gravy. Since turkey is impossible to get in small sizes, it was a convenient precedent to invite the family over.

I was hoping it would be my parents and the kids, since This Fuckin' House has really shaped up aesthetically, but sadly Dad was overworked and under-sleeped, so we only had kids over.
It worked out great, since I got to do a lot of kitchen teaching and they brought over their games. Many x-box adventures were had, and then there was refrigerator pies.

 My sisters are ridiculous creatures. I have no idea where they might have learned that from.