As many of you saw, I was doing pretty regular posts concurrent with my lengthy journey to see my nephew born, leading up to a decision to visit with my sister in Pennsylvania. I'm sad to say I went "missing" at this point because in the midst of my time up there I was called away to Louisiana at the news of the Nana-in-law's death.
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| The Nana with Husband and his brother |
While it wasn't unforeseen, her passing was somewhat of a surprise. After driving a straight twenty hours from Clearfield to Houma (which I do not recommend) I arrived to find Husband's aunt was very much in need of a helping hand. Husband and I spent the next week non-stop hustling, with help from some family, to make arrangements. It was a small blessing we could keep busy, as we both were able to put aside the overwhelming feeling of loss.
I have to admit I feel a little guilty that there was some relief in this news.Husband and I had feared her illness would progress quickly, to a point that she wouldn't know us anymore, but it seems the powers that be were compassionate in that sense. Passing was relatively painless for her, and she was still herself despite the Alzheimer's.
Even now, over a month later, we're still not all the way okay. I mean sure, no one really gets over loss, but I definitely feel not okay. This is pretty much my first time dealing with the loss of someone I was close to. People have died in my life that I knew, and I cried for them until I healed a few weeks later. This time is so much deeper. I keep having these moments where my stomach drops at the reality that she's really gone. Nana will never see the blanket I made, or if I ever get to practice medicine, or the Sam, who was supposed to come with us the next visit with her.
In a selfish way, the loss feels like I was robbed. My mother and I have never really been close, and I had always looked forward to being girlfriends with my future mother in law as long as I can remember. Husband's mother sadly passed many years before we met, so the Nana took on the role of his mother/my mother in law. We got along great, and I relished in having that mother-figure love and support, only to lose it after a short three years. I know I should be grateful for the time we had, but I put a lot of myself into hoping for that relationship and lost it so quickly.
Between all these feelings and seeing the depth of loss Husband is experiencing too, it's been hard to get out of bed, much less actually do anything. As you nice people know, I've been having an ongoing struggle with depression, and this has just made things that much worse. I'm constantly in a state of either not caring about anything ever, or worrying about everything so much I just get overwhelmed and give up before I start. There is no worse feeling for me than being completely helpless. I can't fix Husband's pain, or anyone's suffering really, and I'm stuck in this place of lethargy that makes pouring a glass of water feel impossible.
Basically, I've been hiding in bed since the funeral in a constant state of snowballing depression. I'm not looking for a pity-party or anything, I just felt the need to explain my incredibly lengthy absence. I'm currently seeing a professional, and I'm not suicidal or anything, so be cool. I'll pull myself outta this funk one way or another. Eventually.
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