When I got to the teen years - that special time of neediness for acceptance- I always wanted to get
along with everyone and not make waves. I hated being wrong or being a source
of contention.
Because of this I warped who I was to blend in with the people
around me, never truly being myself.
This is probably why when people described
me I was always just smart, or in later years,
the smart girl with big boobs. I
had no personality.
I mean sure, I was
entertaining to people, always able to say the right thing to make laughs
or
keep the mood going, but I wasn’t interesting.
I never drew a line
where something was disagreeable, and would just bite my tongue so as not to
upset anyone. I never stood up for anything, and just folded to anything
that got me by.
It was always easy
to change my mind about even important things with just a little persuasion, because I never really knew
what mattered to me, much less why it mattered.
It took a long time to realize how sucky life is when you act like that.
More importantly, all your "relationships" really aren't all that great, because even your friendship is a lie.
It's just not good. Take my word for it, nice people.
"But Anna," you ask, "You're the loudest, most opinionated bitch I know! How can this be!?"
I really drastically burst out of the cocoon of this weak-ass behavior in the summer after my wedding.
I'd say that in the years leading up to my marriage, I had begun to slowly dole out real-Anna in little doses.
I had started paying attention to things happening in the world, and I realized as an adult, I was a part of that.
It wasn't enough to get along anymore, there were things that were not okay,
and they had become important to me. I had to let go of get-along Anna, and whip out the loud, boisterous Anna of my toddler days who didn't know how to shut up.
If I had to choose an encapsulating moment when I realized I had a spine,
it was in that final week before the wedding.
I was being torn in many directions, and not saying no nearly enough.
Without upsetting certain people, let me just say there was a major decision that one person and I felt strong opposition about, and I stood up with a solid no, after folding one too many times.
It felt good.
I had always pretended to be controlled and confident before, but now I felt it, truly.
That summer, I got elbows deep in reading up on hot-button topics,
trying to find who I was and where I fit in these issues.
Husband and I butted heads a lot at that time (also duh, newlyweds),
but it was an incredible experience of learning and growth.
I'm still figuring it all out, and with all this free time now,
I definitely can gather the sources to really understand the world around me, and where I stand.
And I'll stand. Hard.
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